Interrogation

One of the more fun aspects of war is interrogation - man, we have a laugh. The other day we interrogated someone right, and I laughed so much a fuel barrel exploded. Honestly, I laughed so hard it killed a small child. No seriously, I was laughing so much a white liquid began to secrete from my elbows.

It's like the other week, we needed information, right? We couldn't find the base we'd spent weeks looking for, and we had no leads. After a couple of days out in the field (that means we were in enemy territory, we weren't in an actual field), we spotted a lone commander. We all recognised him straight away - his photo had been plastered on our wanted list for months. He was the one who bore a surprising resemblance to Noel Edmunds.

Now capturing him was the easy part - it was the extracting of information that posed the problem. Now, this guy was loyal.

Now, I don't consider myself disloyal. Sure, I once gave the President's Top Secret position away to a Terrorist organisation, but Clinton was a rubbish president - so what yeah? He was also a massively bent homobender who sucked men's penises. (I'm not homophobic.) Yeah, I don't consider myself disloyal, but this Commander, Edmunds, he was one tough-a nut-a to crack-a! Haha!

First we asked him nicely, fed him well, I even gave him a few of my Ferrero Rocher, but this bitch wasn't giving anything away.

"Tell us where the base is or you aren't getting this last Ferrero Rocher! I swear man, I'll eat it!" I shouted.

"You wouldn't! We've been eating them alternately since the beginning of the box. You just wouldn't." he responded.

"Watch me." I ate the whole thing in one go. Mubdar flinched.

"You monster!"

"Now tell me!" His resistance was incredible.

"Never!"

He withstood some incredible things that day.

An hour of foot tickling - merely laughed off.

30 minutes of tennis balls thrown at his face - nothing. This guy was specially trained.

I won't tell you how we got the information out of him. (We killed half of his family!)